2004-04-12
@ 12:29 a.m. I haven't updated in fifteen days. That's crazy. That's why I'm updating I guess. I went through the week where I was on the rag, considering getting a secret diary. That happens once a month. The last time I updated Molly was here and she came home this weekend too with her friend Seth. We went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but it wasn't playing anymore. So we saw Ladykillers. It was cute. I didn't mind it at all. But it reminds me why I don't normally spend 7 bucks to go to the movies. I ate a medium popcorn sharing much of it with Molly. I used to eat a supersized popcorn then eat everyone elses popcorn, but this is the first time in my life I found movie popcorn sort of gross. I wonder if it's gotten worse since I was a kid. Anyways I am HAPPY I only ate a medium and maybe I can get a small next time. Of course today I ate horribly with pie, chocolate strawberries, chocolate eggs and tons of rolls with butter. That's fucking easter for you I guess. I hate how I feel about my friend TJ. I miss him really bad all the time and I hate that. I don't have a crush at least. It's nice to not have a crush on my gay male friend. I'm really happy about that. Men as a rule don't like me much. I'm always asking my male friends, like TJ and Stephen if they're mad at me. I hate writing about this here but I have to. If I keep not writing in large gaps like this, I'm printing these diary entries out, closing this shit down and getting a secret one. But I will probably be much to lazy to do that. TJ broke his ankle in a few places and has a cast up to his knee. He broke it by thinking he was superman and jumping off a terrace. He is only fucking 18. How can I have such strong attachment issues with someone a year older than my baby brother. He and Domenic are moving to Tacoma when their lease runs out and I can't even think about that without becoming extremely depressed. I don't want him to leave me. I really hope I can get over this post haste. Luckily for me, I only see him like once a week and he has become crabby because of his ankle. I need to go to sleep, but I always put it off. I cherish these hours alone after my parents have gone to bed so much. I love the peace and quiet. My grammar's getting bad so you can tell the cold pill I took is working. I want to end this entry so I can listen to a segment from this American Life about hippies. The paper is stalling again, but shall pick up immediately for the following reasons: 1. My mom and stepdad are going to be home all week. This makes me want to lie in my bed and start sobbing until my chest hurts. In a way, I'll be so miserable it will be hard to work. But I will work because I will be forced to. 2. Kaitlyn is gone this week so I won't be going to her house to smoke pot. 3. I am almost out of the whacky myself and will not buy anymore since I only buy from Kait. I only have one job and I can't afford to buy from anyone else since she gives me such a good deal. I will probably be out by tuesday or wednesday at the rate I'm smoking these days. Yay for drug addiction. I had been smoking a lot of cigarettes lately(for me which is like 2 a day), but today I didn't have one. Yay. Tomorrow I will be with my mom all day. After I quit for awhile I usually decide I can't or don't want to. I hardly smoke at all though even as a smoker. It's just such an amazingly, orgasmically, satisfying habit like nothing else. Like getting stoned, drunk, exercise, cigarettes are one in a million and I love them. But at the same time I don't want to smoke. The number one reason is that I honestly hate how it makes me and my beautiful car smell. I hate how my lungs feel with cigs added to my usual bud. I hate how it kills people, even though as I have always been depressed, killing myself slowly has never sounded bad to me. But above all I hate sickness and suffering and I CAN'T have lung cancer and emphazema. I can't drag a fucking oxygen tank behind me because I couldn't give up cigarettes. All I want is to be a fucking athelete. I can't WAIT until my sister gets home. I'm want to go to Molly fitness bootcamp. Sign me up I'm ready. Seriously I took a walk in the hot sun today and I made myself run three times. The exercise is easy compared to the food. Will I ever be able to control my appetite? Will I ever like healthy foods and not the worst for you? Will I be able to cut down on them? I love this diary for my stupid food, drug and cigarette issues. And sometimes for deep psychological issues. I am made of issues from head to toe. I need to go to sleep so I don't feel like shooting myself when I'm around the folks tomorrow. I had a long nap today so I'm tired but wired. Is it wrong for me to wish that my fat kitty cat won't jump on my bed and sleep right in the center so I kick her every time I wake up? But that's like wishing for it not to get dark at night, seriously. I want a cigarette so badly I would let someone drag my naked arse across a rug and get rugburn. I'll leave you with that thought. PEACE Older Entries |