2004-02-05
@ 9:02 a.m. Man, this FREAK BITCH keeps calling and she won't go through customer service. The second or third time she called she started speaking to me like I was a mentally retarded individual. I spoke to her like she was one too and I don't give a fuck. I said in my slowest voice as if talking to a baby, "I am the switchboard operator. I need to transfer you to customer service and they will find you a loan officer." There's nothing cruel about those words, it's all in the tone they're said. I don't really know how to explain what I'm going through. I constantly think about quitting this diary and getting a private one to deal with my severe depression as of late. Maybe I'll end up printing all the pages of this diary and putting them in a notebook. But I probably won't quit and this too shall pass. Right now I am extremely nauseous and sick to my stomach. I went to my car on break for a single cig, sat down in the seat, started the ignition and drove off. Then I started vomiting like the exorcist girl on my seat, some on my clothes and some on other parts of the car. Luckily I have good puke instincts and grabbed a bag halfway through. I feel like I"m going to throw up all over the keyboard I'm typing on right now. I have a doctor's appointment on February 12 and I can't fucking wait. Hopefully he will be able to figure out what the fuck is wrong. (Man people are bitchy on the phones today. Take that stick out of your ass and suck on it seriously.) Right now my stomach problems are clouding my other thoughts, that's how bad they are. I just have to make it until 11 o'clock when I can ralph again. It sucks having a job where you can't go to the bathroom. Especially because I am Reagan, the girl from the exorcist grown up to be a fat loser. If there was a priest right now in front of me I could do more damage with my vomit than she ever dreamed of. At least I haven't urinated all over the floor yet. Maybe that will be next. Believe me I KNOW I shouldn't be at work feeling like this, but I went home sick the Friday before last and I don't want to push it. It sucks that our society is such that I don't feel at all comfortable leaving work when I'm puking at every break. Yay for two paragraphs about the spewage. I was hoping talking about it would make it go away but it hasn't. I just need a good old-fashioned bong hit I guess. I'm stuffing envelopes with a flier for visa cards that says. Celebrate. Shop. Save. I feel so dirty and yucky telling people to celebrate by shopping. I have been fighting scary depression. I've been depressed since childhood but I'm even scaring myself. Hopefully I'm about to get my period, because I've cried every day this week multiple times. Through this I have perservered to work on my paper for three hours yesterday and 1.5 hours today. I am trapped in this situation of living in a house with people I cannot get along with. I have a paper that I cannot complete because I am not smart enough. I have hit my wall and limit of intellectuality with this paper. Hopefully my mom will keep her word and help me find a tutor from I am living in a town where ALL my friends smoke weed and do other drugs. I miss the variety of having the occasional "straight" friend, even though I rarely make "straight" friends. I just like doing different things sometimes so I like the perspective they bring. I hate being around friends who don't understand why I haven't moved out. They don't understand that until I get the courage to take my own life or have an epiphany I will be bound on a short leash to my mothers demands. I think I am mentally challenged and unable to live and survive on my own. I don't expect to live a long life and frankly, the shorter the better. I don't mean to be a spoiled bitch, but my head is tainted making me hate everything and everyone. I don't know what to do to get over this depression. If you know anything that works please tell me any advice except therapy or drugs. I think I will feel better when I am well enough physically to exercise again. I've never seen a life so less worh living than my own. There is no reason and no purpose. I am a weak, powerless person who cannot finish a paper she was supposed to start in September. I can't look in the mirror anymore because I am so disgusted by the person I see outside and inside. Today I admitted to my mom that I didn't notice my stepdads new glasses because I don't look at him. She told me he probably looks through my room a lot. I am starting to hate my mom a little bit for marrying him. I know it is my choice to live there, but I see no trace of good at him. He is horrible to his stepkids and I am disgusted how he treats his own daughters. He treats them like they are inferior to his sons when they are actually better people. Just because he is a sexist pig asshole from hell. I feel so bad for my stepsisters for having a dad like that. My dad's not the coolest in the world by any means, but I would kill myself if Michael were my dad. He is a horrible person and I wish nothing but the worst for him for the rest of his life. I'm sick of how loud the girls are across from me. (obviously not you Michelle since you're quiet at work and that's just fact) Many of these girls would benefit from being attached to headphones like I am. Then I would not have to hear them. Man SO many people are calling for a Thursday. This entry is such stream of consciousness crap. I'll definately never want to read any of the entries I made on the switchboard. Too many calls can't write anymore OUT
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