2003-12-11
@ 7:34 a.m. What the fuck is up? I did not break down yesterday and have a cigarette. I'm pretty damn proud about that because the first day is really hard. My smoking had been increasing before I decided to try quitting again. But I could very well fuck up today and I make no promises that I won't. I know that's a terrible attitude for quitting smoking but it works for me. I just take each day minute by minute, hour by hour, trying my best to avoid cigs, but promising nothing to myself or anyone else. Fuck it, I'll feel guilty when I'm stuck to an oxygen tank, not when I'm trying to quit at 23. What really sucks is that I was extremely nauseous this morning and puked twice. That's one of the main reasons I'm quitting cigs, is because I thought it would reduce my frequent and unpredictable nauseousness. Is nauseousness a word? It is now. Man I need to buy a water bottle on my lunch break. This lack of cigs is making me gulp down water as fast as I can. Oh I also forgot to mention I'm trying to give up caffeine and regular soda. I can still have diet soda if I want to though and regular soda on occasion. (In fact there's a free dr. pepper in the break room I'm tempted to snag) I'm severly addicted to soda of any kind. I'm just tired of putting garbage in my body. No wonder I look like a fucking balloon raiding the snack machine every day. My work party dinner at El Sarape and the candle exchange was ok I guess. I'm a little bitter because I bought a really good apple cinnamon smelling Yankee candle and ended up with 30 votive candles that smell like ass but what can you do? Seriously it's a cheap spring flower smell that gave me a headache at first whiff. I guess I won't pick my present based on the prettiness of the bag anymore. The food good though, I got spinach enchiladas and a strawberry margarita. It's so funny how spinach enchiladas are probably considered one of the veggie health food choices but they are covered with cheese and sauce. I sat by Courtney the intern from Elma(Molly's old friend) and across from her cousin Bree. They are really cool for being from Elma but Bree bothers me and I can't figure out why. They are both really boney skinny girls and Bree reminds me of a skeleton. Not just in the body in the face too. If Michelle is reading this that is not meant to be cruel in any way, but just my observation. Anyway we exchanged candles, ate and I was the second person to leave after Shannon and I don't even care if it looked bad. I had been staring into space for like 20 minutes after finishing my meal. It reminded me of the Eminem lyric, "I gotta go bitch, you know I got shit to do. Plus if I get caught cheating then I'm stuck with you." I have cut way down on smoking wacky tobacco though. I smoked a spliff with Sean before El Sarape so I would be extra hungry but I have been cutting down. Sean was in a bad mood and vented about Kaitlyn and how much his life sucks, and I was glad I could be there to listen. All people want is someone to listen to them. He'll get over his anger and the situation will be resolved, but venting is helpful in that process. I'm so indicisive and agnostic it's crazy. Usually I don't believe in fate or destiny. I'm quite the existentialist in that I believe we make our own choices, creating our own destiny. But I really don't know. Maybe once in awhile something will happen because of a grand design or plan. Or maybe that's what people say when something bad or life changing occurs. Nothing is going on in my life, but I just always wonder if fate and things happening for a reason exist. I like existentialism though because I'm taking responsibility for my choices and MY mistakes. Sometimes I think people saying oh that was MEANT to happen to me is a fucking cop out, but you never know. I have a really freaky blister on my foot. It's tiny, but red and filled with blood. Is this a blood blister? I hope I can work out at the gym today without popping it and filling my shoe with blood. I hate getting blisters yuck. Tonight my mom, stepdad(I assume) and I are going to Benny's choir concert. Hopefully it won't be too boring. I know the high school bands of various kinds are playing too. I usually like the jazz band though. Now I'm hearing at work that they stayed a lot longer at El Sarape and went into the bar and some people got a little crazy. I'm really glad I left when I did because I'm not a big drinker at all. I'll have a few and get drunk once in a blue moon, but I'm a stoner hippy girl at heart forever. There was a funny moment last night though. Bree, Courtney, myself and Allison, the really cool down to earth mail clerk were talking, and Allison mentioned that she was named after a song. Of course I had to freak out and tell her that "Allison" by Elvis Costello was one of my favorite songs. And if I have a daughter I might name her Allison after the very same song. And how whenever I meet someone named Allison I wonder if she was named after that song. They were laughing at my enthusiasm about the song and I said, "I have it in my car if you want to hear it" they totally cracked up. Hey I am a new wave girl in spirit. This is too long but I wanna say that I love the Smiths with all my heart and the few Morrissey songs I have heard. People might not know them or think they're like the Cure, but I think they're so much better. And I love the Cure too, but the Smiths are a whole 'nother level. I think Morrissey's voice is so deep and rich, filled with sadness. It doesn't sound like anyone elses. I love their melodic music too. And what REALLY grabs me are the lyrics. I love the lyrics so much. The way M phrases things and says things is like no other. I LOVE THE SMITHS THEY ROCK SO HARD. Even though many of their songs make me cry. I also love the few Pet shop boys songs I have downloaded. I will burn a cd soon if my evil mom doesn't erase all the songs again. The music was the best part about the eighties because well Reagan is satanic and belongs in jail. I can't believe fucking conservatives who say the tv movie about the Reagans portrays them in a bad life. He's evil and his policies helped kill millions in Latin American countries. They couldn't possibly portray him as bad enough. I can't wait for the George W. movie finally showing him as the facist fuckhead he is. Older Entries |